21 years of my life......

For the past 20 years of my life, I went through so many things....... meeting people which we call friends and many other trivial things yet very important in everyone's life...... And for me, i always complained to God... why was i born with a cleft, why am i not talented in this, that...... why cant i have a lot of friends... why didnt i get selected to be a head prefect in school, why do other people get better opportunity compared too me etc etc...... Nothing but complain...

At that time the only person who always consoles me was my dearest grandma..... i was extremely close with her.... but its human beings nature that when you get something good so easily, you tend not to appreciate it... and thats exactly what i did.... i took her for granted at one point of time.... and she and God gave me a very good punishment.... she left all of us in 2004 on my granddad's arms... just like that.... and all our lifes were crushed....... especially my mom and myself.... it was then i realised how important her presence was for me...... and once again i complained to God.....

After that i experienced a few other things such as relationships, sibling rivalry, relation rivalry, friends who back stabbed... this that..... too much of pain........ and to add salt on the wound... me and my family actually witnessed my granddad passing away right in front of our eyes... another point in my life where i hope no other grandchildren would experience.... its extremely painful..... and there i go again..... complain....... can you belive it... I was doing nothing but complain complain and COMPLAIN!!!!!

But this year... everything changed..... my perception of my own life changed..... because it was this year that i actually saw the real picture of how my life has turned out...... and i realised that God was so kind and patient with me all this while... He just accepted all forgave all my tantrums and scolding( well i treat Him as a friend so at times yeah i do scold Him :-P hehehehe) and blessed me with more happiness and priceless experience....... how?? Well the very first thing I always complained is that i dont have many friends.... but He patiently showed me that you dont need 100 friends to be with you but you just need to have ONE sincere Friend to be with you and your life will be beautiful.... and He blessed me with 3 Great friends, my dearest sandya, sathes and sathiyaan..... these people are always there for me when i need them.... their support is so crucial in my life..... their presence make me feel safe and comfortable..... they just have such a strong impact in my life.....Not forgetting another big brother of mine... Janash anne for always being by my side when i need a brotherly advise and love.... thank you so much.....

Then of course my family..... my dad, as i mentioned in my earlier post... the role he plays in my life.... just really glad to have a father like him..... but i think my mom is my pillar for everything..... she has basically taught me how to survive this cruel world... the things she has and is going through for the family is really painful, yet she still stands up and faces it so bravely.... those who knows my mom calls her the IRON Lady as she is known to be a very strong and tough women.... i used to get frustrated when my mom at times just jumps at me without seeing the real picture and all that but now, i realize that not only my mom, but all the moms in the world do that to their children because they love them so much and they just don't want anything to go wrong for their children because they cant see their children down, upset etc.... the love she pours to me is so much that i just cant imagine a life without her presence....
my sister on the other hand is another person whom will go all out for all of us including her friends.... to be honest... im not very close with her as we are just so busy with our daily routines and chores but when it comes to family or friends events, she will always be the first one to help out and make sure's the event becomes a memorable one.... and i believe if it wasnt my sister's planning , i dont think i would have had a unforgettable and a mind blowing birthday celebration this year.... all because of these people in my life....

So now... is there anything missing in my life???? Honestly nothing.. i have everything i need but as usual... we human beings always wants more, im no different..... you see... whenever i start a chapter in my life....usually, GOD always makes sure that the ending would be bad but for a good cause.. so that i could learn more about life and be a better person... im really glad that i went through all those painful times and all but this time i have started another chapter in my life.. and i belive that the ending would be a happy ending.... in my 20 years of life.... i got whatever that i wasn't so keen in getting without realizing how valuable it is until now, whatever i wanted and whoever i was with turned out to be a disaster for me... until to a point that i thought if i make a decision... it will be really bad.... but now... i have once again decided something and i am confident this decision i made would be a positive one for me and my life.... I leave it to my good friend.. MR.GOD to judge if my decision is right or wrong...... so far, nothing is turning out positive... but soon... you never know...... haha..

But besides that... what more can i ask from GOD you tell me.... He blessed me with so many wonderful people who are willing to give their life for me if needed.... the love that these people have shown me is so great that i am deb ted to them for life!! I can never repay them with anything because its that much of love, sincerity, honesty and respect and how proud they are to have me in their life seriously just brings tears in my eyes.... they have given me so much... more importanly... they accept me for who i am.... thats what that makes me love them so much.......... Now... there are more wonderful people that i have meet and they too have shown me lots of love and caring.... GOD is really kind to me.....

THANK YOU GUYS........ I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH...

One Common Problem..... LOVE

Have you ever thought whether is love really a problem???? Well, if you've ever been in love, there has to have been times when you've scratched your head in frustraion and asked yourself" Why the HELL am I in LOVE!!!".Many couples are basically experiencing just that, the complications and complexities that come hand in hand with love.
But science teaches you that every action must have an equal and opposite reaction and every PROBLEM must have a SOLUTION.... And the solution is basically the answer in the words of four young gentlemen.

"All you need is LOVE......LOVE is all you need"- The Beatles

This Past Weeks......A Life Changing Experience

This past weeks have been exciting at the same time very upsetting as well.... the exciting is that after a long time, i finally had a chance to shoot a short film. A short film that a friend of mine wanted to do, and she is not even exposed to any sort of knowledge on this field of broadcasting, film etc. Thats why i really admire and respect her... this is a fine example of a very passionate person wanting to do what they are passionate about.... had lots of fun during the shoot... since i am the only one who has a certain amount of knowledge in filming, i was held responsible of the post production stage of this short film... she really has high hopes on me and i hope i wont disappoint her....

And the disappointing thing these past few week have been how i have been behaving and getting to know some very heart aching things...... you see... my mind actually has been thinking a lot on so many thing... there is something bothering me a lot... but i don't know what is it.... I try my best to find the source of whats bothering me but i cant seem to find it.... hmmmm... and yeah... really miss my friends..... have not seen them for almost a week!!!! You he any idea how long is that???? hahaha... what to do... just love them so much... thats why a week is like a year for me...... another thing is my weight... ya, i have lost some fats... but it's still not good enough... I want to see myself having a body like... no one actually... just want to be in a healthy condition you see......hehehehehe

Well, there is another thing that i am dissapointed as well... but i cant say it out... or shall i just say that i am not in the situation to say it... basically regarding my passion... you see at times... its really sad when you are passionate about something... though there are many positive things you can say about passion, but there are also many negative things about being passionate as well isnt it? But whatever it is... i thank God for making me go through all those things I never expected to go through just because of my passion... it taught and gave me something valuable... experience......

Now... I believe... its not easy or lets just say you will never appreciate what you can get or do easily... only by working hard and suffer a bit to get what you want will make you appreciate it... so please... never take things, people and relationships for granted..... you will only realise how valuable that thing, people and relationship once its no more... once it just slips out of your hands as easily as how you got it... mark my words... it happens...... I dont know wherether Im the right person to say this, but enjoy life to the fullest... its just like a roller coaster ride... the things that you go through in life is pricleess... cherish every moment of it....

Live Your Life The Way You Want!!!!!

I dont know why all this why I have always tried to impress people by being a total different person and making myself to be an idiot actually. I mean what the HELL was I thinking??? Why first of all I have to impress people??? They should accept me for who I am and not me being someone who is so not me..... Im just being honest to myself and the people I meet about who I really am but I think if they dont like it, then its too bad... I always have friends who know and accepts me for my real self. As long as they are with me, Im fine.... Ya at times I can be a bit boring and childish, but at least Im not being a stranger to myself..... I always allowed people to put me down.. but now, NOT A CHANCE DUDE!!!!! I am not going to allow that anymore and I am going to live my life the way I want... You don't like it, please get lost, thank you!!!!

There are many people right now who doesn't portray their true self just like how I use to be... But seriously, dont lie and cheat yourself... you are just going to regret it sooner or later... be happy with what you are and who you are... nobody is perfect... if there is someone who is perfect, that would be GOD Himself... Tell yourself that you are unique and special, you have a talent that others dont have, a powerfull passion... stop being a follower, be a leader... you have the credibility to be a great leader... stop letting people decide who you are!!!!! You have the very same brains that those human beings has so start USING IT!!!!! Even if the girl or guy you love are totally different with your personality, status and all, dont give a damm about it!!! Believe in yourself , love yourself first, others will automatically Love you!!!

Remember, Life is full of challenges, instead of sitting down and complaining about, STAND UP and FACE IT BRAVELY!!!! Trust me, it will take you somewhere you will never expect in your wildest dream!!!!... Thats what I have started doing.... and it will do me good..... Have Faith.....

These past few days, i have been missing someone so much... God its so hard to explain the feeling.... and i dont know why i suddenly became like this.... no, that person is not my girlfriend but a female though, haha... but she is means a lot too me..... I seriously dont think i would miss my girlfriend so much as i im missing her right now.... her name is sandya.... an angel in my life... just like how i idolise my dad, thats exactly how i idolise her... more than my dad actually..... the things she has done for me is so great.... and i cant afford to lose her at any cost, no way!!!! The bond I have with her is unique and different... I love her a lot and i pray to God that she is blessed with happiness always.... just cant see her down..... Thats why i believe in this one thing, Love is the most wonderful feeling God has created for us but , the side effects of love can be very painful at times... haha...

Frustrated

I have always been leading my life with other people's decisions and opinion... there was never once i lead my life with my own decision except a few minor ones.... Why??? is it because whatever decisions that i have made always goes wrong and screws up my life at that point extremely bad??? I guess so because now, people just know me so well that they can already predict what's my next move in life.... for instance..... relationship... I dont know wherther i can proudly say i experienced four different sort of relationship with girls.... and none of them to be proud off..... Because all of it ended up with the girl leaving me for another and cheating behind my back.....

Many told me that this relationship's is not good and it wont work and seriously I hated when they said that.. with a burning determination i wanted to prove these people that they are wrong... but.... hmmm... and all the girls that i went after was my friends friend........ and now... once again i have a crush with one of my friends friend..... predictable right.... and i know, those who know me, they must be saying "OH GREAT, THERE HE GOES AGAIN"......... but they dont know what im going through inside.......

Now seriously im not that intrested in doing anything about my feelings... i just leave it to God.. He will know what to do.... i really want to prove everyone wrong but at the same time i dont want to hurt myself... so i just tell myself that if that person is meant for me, we will be together.... but i just hate the fact that im predictable..... seriously it has been ages since one of my real close friend has actually talked heart to heart to me.... but i go to that person when im down...... why???? im just unreliable to comfort the person is it???? or is it because Im just so useless that nobody wants to give me a chance???? Or the person might think I cant give good advise????? I dont know... maybe im just thinking too much...... everyone is grown now..... except me....

But you know what, im happy like this... grown up people are so boring... facts facts facts!!!!!!! when you are down, they talk facts of life... when you lose someone, they say death is part of life, live with it!!!! What the hell!!!!! come on... why must everything be fact!!!! I believe at times, its good to throw out your feelings, emotions and be like a kid!!!!!! well, please dont think im crazy here..... Im just letting my thoughts go wild......

I have a dream where one day, everyone comes to me to make a decision!!!! My presence is extremely important for the world... nothing but the name ASHANTH KUMAR should create an electricity that makes people go crazy over me.... everyone making me their idol, everyone learning the true meaning of respect, humbleness and down to earth from me.... Gosh, I dont know why is there so much rage in me right now.... i seriously dont know...... I just cant wait for the day where my biggest decision that i make in my life will be one of the most important and greatest for the entire human race and those people who looked down and still doing so on me......

Im sorry if i sounded arrogant or harsh.. truly sorry... I just feel like letting out my feelings..... everyone has a dream and I am no different, but there is a very big reason why my dream is such..... Will tell about it soon.....

Ajaya.. celebrating 50 years of life 2008

We celebrated my dad's 50th birthday last year. Mom decide to make a grand celebration for dad as you know, all the things he has done for the family and friends and seriously we had a blast, you see i never saw my dad going high when he drinks as he is known to never over drink but that night he was high and I saw a different side of my dad actually. My dad, being in the army always have maintain a certain extend of strictness to us all, but that night, he was extremelly childish, joking and laughing around with his schoolmates, family and whoever present there.. hahaha.. it was a nice scene to watch actually.....

My dad life story is a very inspiring one actually, being the second among six sibling, he basically too the responsibility of bringing up the rest of his siblings... A very smart student but my grandfather just couldnt afford to send my dad for his higher education, my dad's schoolmate once told me that when my dad was in form 4-5, he always used to fail his science subject, so often that the school headmaster publicly humiliated my dad by saying he will never succeed in passing his SPM (sorry dont know what they called SPM during my dad's time). Upon hearing that, my dad felt really hurt but inside he was so angry that he wanted to show his headmaster who he is. Well you might think he waited for school to over and then go and whack his headmaster outside school... that didnt happen actually, he started to work extremely hard non stop and in the end, he actually passed his science subject with grade A1... and guess what, the same man who humiliated him in front of the whole school had to present the best student award for his achivement in front of the whole school. For me thats not suprising at all because i still see him doing that till today.

After graduating from high school, he wanted to pursue his studies, that was the time unfortunately grandad retired and told him he cant afford to send my dad for higher education. Broken hearted, my dad had to work as labourer, lorry driver assistant, and a sweeper in some factories in Penang before deciding to join the Malaysian Arm Forces. My dad was one of the few army officers who got rid of the communist from our country, something im extremely proud of.. who wouldnt isnt it... Dad married my mom in 1986 and i was born 2 years later, the same time my dad was promoted to major in the forces. Well to say that he enjoyed being a soldier, i dont thik so because, there were just too many politics happening where, people cant accept soldiers who speak nothing but the truth, they only like people who obey what they say and follows them, wherever they go like a dog.. i think you get who i meant by the 'PEOPLE' right. That was the reason it took my dad 20 years to get promoted to a Liutenant Colonel.... so you see... when i was born, he was promoted from captain to major and now when im 20 he is promoted to a colonel.. NOT FAIR AT ALL!!!!

There is this one thing that i envy my dad, his heart... you know, people can backstab him, use him and treat him like a dirt but when they need his help, he is always wiling to do so, and when we ask him why, he says, its always good to forgive and forget as we all make mistakes... Another incident that i must say is quite sad actually is when his dad passed away. You see, when my grandad passed away, my dad was in Indonesia serving the United Nations for the problem that occured in Timor Timur, and my grandad passed away a day after my sister's birthday which was on 14th april and he died on the 15th... my mom immediatly informed the Military headquartes to send this message to my dad as soon as possible. We all did what was needed for the funeral and hoping my dad would call.. During the time we were about to take my grandad's body for the last rites, my dad called, and he sounded so jovial which made us all think has my dad been so shocked that he is now mentally unstable??? the truth was, he called to wish my sister happy birthday and he had no clue of his fathers passing, when my mom told him what happened, he was shocked but he composed himself immediatly.. thats the beauty my dad has... he just can face anything that comes in the way....

Now, he olso accomplished his dream for 15 years, getting his masters, he did his masters in International Islamic university with high grades. When i look at my dad, i see a man who has survive many battles. He is my idol and seriously i think i am one of the luckiest person in the entire universe to get a great man like him as my dad.

I can go on talking more about him, but then its okay... i'll stop here for now.