These past few days, i have been missing someone so much... God its so hard to explain the feeling.... and i dont know why i suddenly became like this.... no, that person is not my girlfriend but a female though, haha... but she is means a lot too me..... I seriously dont think i would miss my girlfriend so much as i im missing her right now.... her name is sandya.... an angel in my life... just like how i idolise my dad, thats exactly how i idolise her... more than my dad actually..... the things she has done for me is so great.... and i cant afford to lose her at any cost, no way!!!! The bond I have with her is unique and different... I love her a lot and i pray to God that she is blessed with happiness always.... just cant see her down..... Thats why i believe in this one thing, Love is the most wonderful feeling God has created for us but , the side effects of love can be very painful at times... haha...

Frustrated

I have always been leading my life with other people's decisions and opinion... there was never once i lead my life with my own decision except a few minor ones.... Why??? is it because whatever decisions that i have made always goes wrong and screws up my life at that point extremely bad??? I guess so because now, people just know me so well that they can already predict what's my next move in life.... for instance..... relationship... I dont know wherther i can proudly say i experienced four different sort of relationship with girls.... and none of them to be proud off..... Because all of it ended up with the girl leaving me for another and cheating behind my back.....

Many told me that this relationship's is not good and it wont work and seriously I hated when they said that.. with a burning determination i wanted to prove these people that they are wrong... but.... hmmm... and all the girls that i went after was my friends friend........ and now... once again i have a crush with one of my friends friend..... predictable right.... and i know, those who know me, they must be saying "OH GREAT, THERE HE GOES AGAIN"......... but they dont know what im going through inside.......

Now seriously im not that intrested in doing anything about my feelings... i just leave it to God.. He will know what to do.... i really want to prove everyone wrong but at the same time i dont want to hurt myself... so i just tell myself that if that person is meant for me, we will be together.... but i just hate the fact that im predictable..... seriously it has been ages since one of my real close friend has actually talked heart to heart to me.... but i go to that person when im down...... why???? im just unreliable to comfort the person is it???? or is it because Im just so useless that nobody wants to give me a chance???? Or the person might think I cant give good advise????? I dont know... maybe im just thinking too much...... everyone is grown now..... except me....

But you know what, im happy like this... grown up people are so boring... facts facts facts!!!!!!! when you are down, they talk facts of life... when you lose someone, they say death is part of life, live with it!!!! What the hell!!!!! come on... why must everything be fact!!!! I believe at times, its good to throw out your feelings, emotions and be like a kid!!!!!! well, please dont think im crazy here..... Im just letting my thoughts go wild......

I have a dream where one day, everyone comes to me to make a decision!!!! My presence is extremely important for the world... nothing but the name ASHANTH KUMAR should create an electricity that makes people go crazy over me.... everyone making me their idol, everyone learning the true meaning of respect, humbleness and down to earth from me.... Gosh, I dont know why is there so much rage in me right now.... i seriously dont know...... I just cant wait for the day where my biggest decision that i make in my life will be one of the most important and greatest for the entire human race and those people who looked down and still doing so on me......

Im sorry if i sounded arrogant or harsh.. truly sorry... I just feel like letting out my feelings..... everyone has a dream and I am no different, but there is a very big reason why my dream is such..... Will tell about it soon.....

Ajaya.. celebrating 50 years of life 2008

We celebrated my dad's 50th birthday last year. Mom decide to make a grand celebration for dad as you know, all the things he has done for the family and friends and seriously we had a blast, you see i never saw my dad going high when he drinks as he is known to never over drink but that night he was high and I saw a different side of my dad actually. My dad, being in the army always have maintain a certain extend of strictness to us all, but that night, he was extremelly childish, joking and laughing around with his schoolmates, family and whoever present there.. hahaha.. it was a nice scene to watch actually.....

My dad life story is a very inspiring one actually, being the second among six sibling, he basically too the responsibility of bringing up the rest of his siblings... A very smart student but my grandfather just couldnt afford to send my dad for his higher education, my dad's schoolmate once told me that when my dad was in form 4-5, he always used to fail his science subject, so often that the school headmaster publicly humiliated my dad by saying he will never succeed in passing his SPM (sorry dont know what they called SPM during my dad's time). Upon hearing that, my dad felt really hurt but inside he was so angry that he wanted to show his headmaster who he is. Well you might think he waited for school to over and then go and whack his headmaster outside school... that didnt happen actually, he started to work extremely hard non stop and in the end, he actually passed his science subject with grade A1... and guess what, the same man who humiliated him in front of the whole school had to present the best student award for his achivement in front of the whole school. For me thats not suprising at all because i still see him doing that till today.

After graduating from high school, he wanted to pursue his studies, that was the time unfortunately grandad retired and told him he cant afford to send my dad for higher education. Broken hearted, my dad had to work as labourer, lorry driver assistant, and a sweeper in some factories in Penang before deciding to join the Malaysian Arm Forces. My dad was one of the few army officers who got rid of the communist from our country, something im extremely proud of.. who wouldnt isnt it... Dad married my mom in 1986 and i was born 2 years later, the same time my dad was promoted to major in the forces. Well to say that he enjoyed being a soldier, i dont thik so because, there were just too many politics happening where, people cant accept soldiers who speak nothing but the truth, they only like people who obey what they say and follows them, wherever they go like a dog.. i think you get who i meant by the 'PEOPLE' right. That was the reason it took my dad 20 years to get promoted to a Liutenant Colonel.... so you see... when i was born, he was promoted from captain to major and now when im 20 he is promoted to a colonel.. NOT FAIR AT ALL!!!!

There is this one thing that i envy my dad, his heart... you know, people can backstab him, use him and treat him like a dirt but when they need his help, he is always wiling to do so, and when we ask him why, he says, its always good to forgive and forget as we all make mistakes... Another incident that i must say is quite sad actually is when his dad passed away. You see, when my grandad passed away, my dad was in Indonesia serving the United Nations for the problem that occured in Timor Timur, and my grandad passed away a day after my sister's birthday which was on 14th april and he died on the 15th... my mom immediatly informed the Military headquartes to send this message to my dad as soon as possible. We all did what was needed for the funeral and hoping my dad would call.. During the time we were about to take my grandad's body for the last rites, my dad called, and he sounded so jovial which made us all think has my dad been so shocked that he is now mentally unstable??? the truth was, he called to wish my sister happy birthday and he had no clue of his fathers passing, when my mom told him what happened, he was shocked but he composed himself immediatly.. thats the beauty my dad has... he just can face anything that comes in the way....

Now, he olso accomplished his dream for 15 years, getting his masters, he did his masters in International Islamic university with high grades. When i look at my dad, i see a man who has survive many battles. He is my idol and seriously i think i am one of the luckiest person in the entire universe to get a great man like him as my dad.

I can go on talking more about him, but then its okay... i'll stop here for now.

First Step

Well.. this is the first time i actually writing a blog so i dont know how to start actually... seriously i dont know what made my to start blogging actually... hehehe... anyway, as times passes im sure i will have tones of things to share with whoever who reads my blogs.. hehehehe... To start off.. Im just a normal human being.. i guess... and im really into filmaking.. hoping to be better than Steven Speilberg one day.. Lots of dreams and things i want to do... Im currently doing my Degree in Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman and in my final year now.... In the past 20 years of my life.. i must say i have gone through a lot of hurdles and experienced things that i never expected to experience at such an early age... but then, who can stop what is written in our lifes right... haha.... I love my family a lot and my grandparents were and will always be my inspiration... They were the only ones in my family who were supportive with my decision to make filmaking my life career... but till today i still cant understand why didnt they show that support in front of me?? Now they are with their Creator watching me and my family... haha... really miss them so much actually..... Really love all my friends and.... hoping to meet my dream girl soon.... hehehehe